Karen's Blog 04/07/2021

Anyone for the Pub? Alcohol-Free of Course! 

A lot has changed for me since ‘giving-up’ alcohol on 18th December 2020.  In fact, I think the term ‘giving-up’ alcohol is the wrong way to look at it.  Consuming alcohol is ‘giving-in’.  Giving in to addiction, giving in to consumerism, giving in to a lesser life (for those of us who are unable to use substances within ‘normal’ limits).

Becoming a member of HSC has seen me acting ‘out of character’.  Although I had begun to recognise this it wasn’t until today (3rd July 2021) that I had given this any more than a passing thought.

However, for the second time in three weeks I jumped in my car and went off to somewhere I had never been before to meet people I had never met before (Zoom excluded here!).  

This is something I would never have done in my ‘drinking’ days.  Or at any other time in my life for that matter (unless forced to do so, but that’s another story).

I would not class myself as a social (as opposed to sociable) person.  This is not the sort of thing I would have dreamt of doing prior to becoming alcohol-free.

Born in 1958, as a child I was brought up to be wary of strangers (don’t talk to people you don’t know, don’t accept sweets etc).  All sensible advice, even in those far off days.  Children were still ‘seen and not heard’ (handy that, if you were the sufferer of abuse).  I was a ‘follower’ rather than a ‘leader’, an ‘observer’ rather than a ‘doer’.  I don’t think I was taught (or learnt how) to be social with my peers.  I’m not ‘shy’ exactly – just happier listening/observing, forming my own opinions and keeping them to myself (maybe for fear of being ridiculed or laughed at?)

I spent most of my life ‘living inside my head’.  This went on (and still does go on but to a lesser degree) until I had my breakdown in 2010.  CBT (through iTalk) helped me to control my negative voice (most of the time).  The negative voice became the Wine Witch when I was drinking and was much harder, nigh on impossible to control.

Now it is as if her twin sister has moved in – she’s more relaxed, less hurtful, her tolerance levels are much higher and she’s more forgiving of herself.

Back to yesterday – Marie, Phil and I did, of course, have a common interest – we all choose to live an alcohol-free lifestyle.  No explanations needed.

Is that why going to the Pub on a Saturday lunchtime seemed an ‘okay’ thing to do?  It’s certainly not something I would have done before.  It would have taken me way outside my comfort zone.

From what I remember we spoke about all manner of things.  Our experiences around alcohol and being alcohol-free, football, formula-one, not so much about Covid.  Food, cooking, vegans, vegetarians.  

And Mental Health.  CBT. Counselling.  Which was what lead me (I think), to exploring my ‘issues’ with being ‘social’.

Did you know ‘Fear of being ridiculed’ has a name?          Katagelophobia.

And ‘Fear of being laughed at’ is                     Gelotophobia.

No, nor did I.

But now I do.  And it’s one more nail in the coffin of that voice in my head that tells me I’m ‘not good enough’ or ‘not bright enough’ to have my own opinions.  Because now, I can read up on it, use my CBT techniques to unpick my misunderstandings and kick Witchy-Poo a little bit further down the black hole in my head. 

Karen Brown

04/07/2021