Beware the "Moderation Monster"

This post first appeared on Soberistas December 2019. Some of the details are a bit out of date but the main point of the blog still stands. 

LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF, I'M A SOCIAL DISEASE, I COME FOR YOUR HEALTH, LEAVE YOU ON YOUR KNEES.  

It’s Saturday night. I’m sat here on my own. Well, my kids are in bed but you know what I mean. The pull of having a few beers is very strong, although I don't know why. I’m feeling in a good place mentally and things have been better recently. Maybe it’s just because it’s Saturday night, I don’t know but it is what it is.

 

It got me thinking though. For the last few weeks I keep having thoughts of drinking in moderation. The Monday - Friday routine is more manageable for me now. I don’t want to say it’s “easy” because none of this is easy, as you all know. But it does seem easier by comparison. I keep thinking things like “I could have a couple of drinks over the weekend and stop during the week” and “A few just on a Saturday night can’t hurt” Then I realise I MUST block those thoughts out. I don’t want to open a door that I’m managing, albeit slowly, to close. 

 

I’ll openly admit that it’s hard. So damn hard. The weekends were always spent on the drink. It’s normal isn’t it? Except maybe it’s not. Not for me anyway. I’m sure many of you, if not all, will agree with me there. It’s the reason I kind of hate the weekends. During the working week I have order and structure, it’s easier to achieve my daily goal of abstaining from alcohol. The weekend is different though. It’s adhoc nature does me know favours, especially when I’m on my own in the evenings. Truly the weekend is a different beast. 

 

This “beast” keeps trying to beat down the door to get in. Every bloody weekend. It promises me the moderation drinking pattern that most “normal” people take for granted but we know is a myth. I must not - and I WILL NOT - let the monster through.

 

If I give in to it, even just once for a second, then it’ll be here to stay like the most soul destroying house guest you could ever imagine. The monster had a grip on me and still does, but slowly I’m pushing it away. Its regular weekend attacks are just the beasts way of trying to get its foot in the door and force its way back into my life. I will not let the monster in. None of us should. 

 

I AM stronger than the monster. We are ALL stronger than the monster. It’s promises of moderation are a lie - a dangerous and vicious lie - and we can’t believe it for a second. 

 

It’s happened too many times for me. After a period of successfully avoiding the booze during the week I’d have a blowout on Saturday and then I’d be right back where I started getting drunk every night. It simply does not work. 

 

So, as I start my 3rd month AF, I have to remind myself that drinking in moderation should be avoided at all cost. One drink really is one too many.  

 

I will not risk it. I will not give up. And I will not let the monster in.