My Story-Vanessa

I am unable to pinpoint exactly when alcohol became a problem for me, but if I am honest it was much earlier than I would like to admit. I was adopted as a baby in 1961 and in those days you did not talk about this. I grew up desperate to fit in and find my place in the world and was terrified of being rejected. My parents did not drink at all so I cant blame my surroundings. 

I remember my first drink at 14 in a pub and it was a gin and orange and tasted disgusting. I remember thinking how on earth was I going to enjoy drinking this stuff.

I have never enjoyed the pub environment but loved clubs and went out every weekend from the age of 16. I think I probably got drunk most times I went out but as it was only at weekends it didn't seem too much of a problem. 

Things escalated from my 30's when I always drank too much on a night out and I started to have incidents at work events. I have always been successful in my careers so it got overlooked but looking back I am amazed no one took me to one side and talked to me about alcohol. I could never have a few glasses and I had no off switch, often drinking to blackout and waking up so scared of what I had said or done the night before

I found myself in some very unhealthy controlling relationships as the drinking meant I had really low self esteem and I thought I didn't deserve any better. I let a female friend treat me badly as I hero worshipped her 

Things escalated in my 50's but instead of just social drinking, I started to drink at home to cope with the stress of my job. Before getting a taxi to the airport to go on holiday I drank a bottle of Champagne and came back from holidays exhausted from the extra drinking  

I ruined my friends 50th birthday by getting drunk and my partner had to either take me home early from a night out or drag me out at the end as I refused to leave. I woke up fully clothed after some nights and could not remember the night before. I spent Sundays on the sofa eating rubbish and hating myself. I was in huge denial about my problems with alcohol and could just not imagine a life without drinking

Things came to a head the Christmas of 2018 when I was 57. We went out every night and I was drunk every night and I was DJ one of the nights and my hand started shaking which really scared me

On New Years Eve I was drinking from 3pm and that was the last time I had a drink

I woke up on January 1st 2019 and knew I could not carry on like this. I made the decision to quit and I have never questioned that decision which takes away any uncertainty. I read loads of quit lit and joined groups and discovered there is a world after alcohol.

I am now 2 years AF and as someone said to me, it's the gift that keeps on giving. The biggest positive for me the the rise in my self esteem and how I value myself. I feel better physically and mentally than ever and have saved a fortune as I was spending £400 a month on Prosecco and taxis

This group has been a life saver as all my friends drink and it's so good to talk to others who are on the same journey

In a society obsessed with alcohol I love being different to most other people and I now see alcohol as a toxin that I don't want anywhere near me, You have to undo all the brainwashing and research all the harm that alcohol does. I don't believe many people can take it or leave it or they wouldn't find dry January such hard work. I don't like the term alcoholic and I think any one who drinks and says they couldn't give it up is addicted and I am certainly not powerless around alcohol as AA would have me think.

My dream is that one day I am playing music at an event and I can give a shout out to my sober tribe from this group