False happiness Vs True sadness

WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY? 

I'm going to try and be brutally honest in this blog. So it might be a long read and it also might get a bit dark and deep. I hope you stick with this though because I've got to go there. 

I TRULY HATE MYSELF!!! Like, I really fucking hate myself. I hate the way I look. I hate my body size and shape. I hate the way I sound, the things I say and my mannerisms. I think I'm no good. That I'm stupid and a let down. So stupid I can't get a really well paid job - although I've always worked and I'm grateful for that - and angry and bitter at myself because I can't provide a more comfortable life for my family. 

Every morning and evening when I get out of/in to bed, I stand in front of the mirror in my bedroom. I see the state of myself and think "You fat piece of crap" "You worthless bastard, look what you've done to yourself". My wife tells me I've never looked better and that I've lost loads of weight. While admit I have lost weight, it's just tip of the iceberg stuff. If someone is a million pounds in debt and pays back a fiver, he's still financially screwed right?!

I'm always convincing myself that I've offended people. Constantly chasing their reassurances that I've not pissed them off. Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you how I'm always texting after any kind of gathering to make sure I wasn't rude or hoping that I didn't come across like the big idiot I tell myself I am. Then of course, I feel the need to apologise to them for asking in the first place. 

I don't think I'm a good husband and father. I certainly don't feel like a strong male influence to my son. My kids are amazing but I don't want them to be like me. They're already better people then I could ever be. I worry about everybody else before myself. 

When my Dad died in 2009. I wanted to look after my Mum, sisters and brother. My feelings did not come into it. I just got drunk. That's how I dealt with things back then. I actually never properly grieved for him and in a counselling session earlier this year I completely broke down. All the years of pain and sadness at losing the strongest man in my life came pouring out. I didn't do this at the time of his passing because I felt not important enough. So this self hatred is infecting every corner of my life past and present. It's becoming a big problem. 

Earlier this year, my self loathing became so bad that I started to think about cutting myself. Like I had to punish myself in some way. I was stood in my kitchen with a sharp knife against to my forearm and I just fought the urge to do it. This time. A week later I was not strong. 

I couldn't think, I was lost and my head was completely gone. I pushed the knife into my arm and, slowly at first, dragged it down. Then faster and deeper. All the while saying out loud, and apologies for my language, "I HATE YOU, YOU FUCKING C%$T". Over and over again until I collapsed into a ball in the corner and started crying. 40 years old and I'd started to self harm. What was happening to me?!!!

I tried to put it down to a ridiculously bad day, but less than a week later it happened again. And this time was worse. I was at work, consumed by the feeling of worthlessness. It took hold on me and, while I was in a toilet cubicle, I started slashing my left forearm with my work knife. I kept doing it, over and over. Slash, slash with a dirty knife until once again, I collapsed in heap of tears and shame. Then I had to make a really difficult phone call. I phoned my wife. I told her what I'd done. The confusion in her voice will never leave me. I'd let her down massively. I'm supposed to protect her. To look after her. I'm the last person in the world who should dump problems on her but there I was. I'M SO SORRY. Xx. 

I was unable to continue working. I told my boss what had happened and he told me to go home and try to get my head straight. My wife picked me up and I showed her the cuts on my arm whilst I was sat in the car shaking. I still have the scars to this day, although they're very faint now and fortunately nobody has ever asked about them. We went home and talked it out. I put it down to my antidepressants which I'd recently been prescribed. My doctor told me my depression would potentially get worse before it improved so that seemed to make sense to me.

Fast forward a few mornings and while my wife was having a well earned lie in and I was up with my children, once more I was overcome. I grabbed the knife. I wanted to do it so badly. Maybe because my kids were in the next room it stopped me? I don't know, but I managed to calm down before cutting myself. Now though, I was having a full blown panic attack. I couldn't breathe, my hands we tensing up and my head was banging. I had to go and get my wife. I got in to the bed next to her and she held me like a frightened child. I was shaken and upset. She relaxed me to the point I fell asleep. I'm so grateful to her. I'm thankful to have her in my life and I love her. I don't deserve her. 

Just recently the urge is growing. I can't give myself a break. Nor can I give myself any credit - a mental pat on the back if you will - I just hate myself. The panics and tension are increasing. I've been in that situation at work once more where I'm so close. Something seems to stop me but I fear it won't always. I need some help. I think I'll be booking to see my counsellor again after a few months away. 

I created this picture and saying. I tell myself this over and over again but it's not working right now. 

When I was drinking heavily I thought I was happy. I seemed happy. I know deep down that's not the case but it felt like it and I thought it was good for me. That's what I pretended anyway. Ignorance is bliss and all that. I know it's a false happiness, but sometimes it feels like that would be better than all the shit I feel inside now. Depression and anxiety. I know alcohol is a depressant but it seemed to make me oblivious to my feelings. 

So what's best? Numbing your emotions and your alertness to the world around you with a dangerous and highly addictive substance? Or cutting that liquid crap out of your life and learning to deal with ones own issues? You know the answer. Hell, even I know the answer. But at the moment I'm stuck. Desperate to continue a life of sobriety while at the same time not able to cope with my mental health problems or even accept myself as a man. Wanting something to block those feelings, knowing alcohol will do that but not wanting to go back to it. 

I'm stuck. I feel numb and lost. False happiness is obviously a lie but the alternative is raw, hard emotions which I don't feel up to dealing with. Not on my own anyway. I need help. 

It truly is a battle of "False happiness Vs True sadness". And right now, I don't know who's going to win this particular fight. 

Thank you. 

Phil.