Changing perceptions

Hello there. I thought I'd write a fresh blog for the new site. I'm not a natural writer by any means so apologies for any mistakes I might make. 

As I've recently hit my very first soberversary, I'm finding that I'm becoming more and more comfortable talking about my own experiences. Truth is that I'd only told a handful of people about my struggles with alcohol dependency and my subsequent desire to embrace a life of sobriety. That was until recently when I "outed" myself - for want of a better expression - and posted on my Facebook page explaining, albeit in very brief fashion, what I've been through. The response was overwhelming and I was so humbled by all the kind wishes and words I received. I felt like alcohol still had some degree of control over me because I couldn't come clean about it all, so now I feel liberated by decision to let people know my story.

One thing that truly surprised me was the amount of comments I got along the lines of, "I had no idea" and that kind of thing. Lots of people who know me always knew I liked a drink but they didn't realise the extent of my problem. Most of that is down to me though. I kept things to myself for far too long and it took me ages to even have the courage to talk to own wife. That shows you how secretive I was about it that I felt unable to tell the one person in the world I should always be able to confide in. However, these surprising reactions I received got me thinking about perception. People think they know what someone with a drink problem is like when in truth they're usually miles off. 

SO, YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC THEN?

The word "Alcoholic" is actually annoying. It's far too broad a description. People have their preconceived ideas about what that means. You know the type of person they immediately think of. Scruffy, tramp like old geezer with a crazy beard who is drinking Scotch on the park bench who couldn't hold down a job and lost his family. While I admit there are people like that, that's the extreme end of the scale. The truth is far more boring and mundane but maybe others don't want to broaden their horizons about this issue because they might not like what they discover. Or indeed who they discover. 

One thing about alcohol misuse is that it can effect anybody. Lawyers, Doctors, Warehouse workers (me), Taxi drivers etc etc. The list is endless. People might seem that their life is totally together when they're at work or out in public. It's when the front door closes that the real them comes out. You don't ever know what goes on behind closed doors. 

I can only talk from the perspective of my own experience, but when I was out at work during my drinking days, I'd would never show the real me. When my friends would ask me if I'd had a few beers the night before then I'd say "Yeah, you know me" or "I had a couple, nothing major" I'd even make jokes about it. To be brutally honest with you I nearly always lied about how much I'd drunk the previous evening. So I think my friends/work peeps knew I was probably drinking too much but they never knew the complete story because I made sure they didn't. 

When I got home, that's when the real me came out. Drinking far too much. Drinking far too often. Every night would be the same - with the exception of a few nights here and there when I'd have a "dry" day which was normally down to the fact I was skint - I didn't know if I was coming or going. It made me truly hate myself and I'm still dealing with the mental side effects of that now. Did it make me stop though? Not a chance. I kept going and going because I thought that was normal.  

In the morning it was always the same start to a day. Hating the guy I saw in the mirror and telling myself I had to stop. Making my way to work consumed by guilt and shame. Sometimes thinking of just jumping on a train and running away from my wife and three kids because I knew they deserved better than they were getting. But then I would arrive at work, put on my "Happy face" and act like I didn't have a care in the world. Everybody bought it. Every single time. They'd all look at me and think that because I've held down my job for over 17 years and I own my own home and I have a wife and children that all was well and good in my life when in truth I was struggling to keep it together. 

When the realisation hit me that I needed proper help it scared the hell out of me. I liken my mental state to an elastic band. You pull and pull on it, putting so much stress on to it that eventually it snaps. And it hurts. Nobody knew how much drinking had a hold on me and nobody knew how it affected me when everything came crashing down. Why? Because I made sure it was private. And that's the point. 

In my opinion, those of us who struggle with alcohol problems are seemingly "normal" people. We have jobs, homes and loving partners and maybe kids too. Society needs to change it's perception of what an "Alcoholic" is. If people do that then they might discover that the people in their lives they care about might be struggling and in need of some help. Of course they might also discover that they themselves have a problem.  

We need to change our perceptions. There is more going on around us than we can see with our eyes. Don't fall into the trap of thinking "I'm not like the guy with the beard and the Scotch therefore I don't have a problem" 

The reality is a lot more boring but no less worrying.

Phil.